I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
