When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
