Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
