I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
