A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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