i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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