if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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