I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
