meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
