im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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