He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
