im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
