I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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