If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
