she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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