Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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