I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He has the fingertips of a God
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