You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
