What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
