Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
