sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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