The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
