If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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