Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
