he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
did i walk over a car last night?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
