There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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