Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
