You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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