Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
