Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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