did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
