Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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