you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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