At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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