I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
