Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
