i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
