Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
