literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
