I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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