I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
