I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
