I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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