"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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