Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
