honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my shit smells like andre
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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