my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
