ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
