Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
