Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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